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How do you like to receive love? How do you show love? These questions are essential, not only for romantic relationships but also for platonic relationships. Not everyone communicates love in the same way; likewise, people prefer to receive love in different ways. Additionally, your love language can change over time. The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book T he 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . While I am aware of the controversy of Mr. Chapman and his beliefs, I believe that love languages are real and all essential parts of any relationship. I do believe that everyone has a hierarchy for them. So let me break them down for you. Words of Affirmation : It means what your partner, friend, or family member has to say about you and to you speaks volumes. It is centered on the importance of verbal expression. People who are into words of affirmation are highly aware of how powerful and beautiful words can be. People with this love language show their loved ones affection through terms of endearment. Make sure you communicate frequently and share heartfelt statements, and my absolute favorite thing ever is to write love letters or thank you notes. Acts of Service : My personal favorite as of late. It is f eeling adoration by the things your partner, friend, or family member does. An act of service is the physical expression of a thoughtful gesture. When you pay attention to things your partner, friend, or family member says they don't enjoy doing or don't have time for and take it on for them, this will show your partner you pay close attention to their needs and are willing to make their life a little easier. Anticipate their needs, be hyper-vigilant, and listen to their complaints, and most importantly always follow through on your commitments. Physical Touch : My touch-starved self is CRAVING this. Exactly what it says, thriving on the sensation of touch. Something as simple as hand-holding can make them feel desired and loved. Give them lots of hugs and focus on nonsexual forms of touching. They simply want to be close to you. Receiving Gifts : This one gets a lot of flak but I think it is because people perceive it in the wrong way. It’s about effort and thoughtfulness. People with this love language treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it. When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you know them. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them. The point is not the price tag. The point is to convey care, a sense of knowing them well, and the fact that you're thinking about them through what you give. Be attentive to the things they like and don’t like, personalize the gifts, and be creative. Quality Time : Those with this love language want to feel cherished and prioritized. They view time as a priceless gift they want to give and receive in relationships. You have to not only set aside the time but also be intentional about how you are spending that time. Schedule regular date nights or outings, engage in quality conversations, and make sure you stay in the moment. I hope this helps you strengthen the relationships in your life. Here's a quiz if you want to learn exactly the ranking of your love languages http://www.covenantcc.co/sovlib/external_articles/five_love_languages_quiz.pdf -Love Always, VanessaClair

While yoga is used to help reduce stress and help with mindfulness and the mind-body connection, it can sometimes be triggering for people who have experienced trauma. Trauma-informed or trauma-conscious yoga supports post-traumatic growth and healing as well as makes yoga more accessible for trauma survivors. These yoga teachers emphasize your experience within a yoga posture, rather than your performance. They are trained to be more conscious of trauma and how it shows up during yoga practice. By now, we all know that trauma affects not only your mind but is also stored in your body. Having a mind-body practice such as yoga can help with the effects of trauma. Trauma Conscious Yoga helps with self-regulation by increasing body awareness and addressing nervous system dysregulation. All in all it helps you reconnect with your body in a safe and controlled way. Trauma-conscious yoga isn't just for those who have experiened trauma, it benefits everyone. While many typical yoga classes encourage students to move through emotional discomfort, trauma-conscious yoga helps people to pay attention to signs of dissociation and distress that come up. Teachers guide you to notice how you feel during the poses and establishes a sense of grounding. This helps you connect to your mind and body in a way that feels secure. Using inclusive and trauma conscious language is also a big part of this yoga practice. Language is used to give choice and create a safe and supportive environment. Instructions are invitations rather than commands. When looking for the right teacher, check their training credentials and read their bios. Find out whether they’ve received additional training that supports a more trauma focus. If you want to book with me, I am certified in trauma conscious yoga and would love to support you. Let me know if you have any questions. Love Always, Vanessa

We know that typically our mind and body are treated separately. People finally realize how important it is to treat the mind and body together. The mind-body connection is the link between a person’s thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, and physical health. Holistic medicine truly embodies the mind-body connection. Holistic medicine treats the whole person and not just symptoms. Stress is one of the main things a mind-body connection helps with. Gastrointestinal disorders, sleep problems, high blood pressure, and chronic pain are a few conditions that can be worsened by high levels of untreated stress. When our brain perceives a threat, our bodies experience a stream of different physiological processes. Our sympathetic nervous system then shifts into what is known as “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn”. This tries to prepare to fight off the danger, flee for safety, “play dead”, or try to please to avoid any conflict. Our adrenal glands then release the stress hormones, adrenaline, and cortisol into the body. When this happens, the heart races, and the breathing rate increases giving a short-term energy boost. Repeated activation of our emergency response system can have a big and serious impact on our bodies. Our immunity system is suppressed, inflammation occurs throughout the body, and this can cause depressed mood and fatigue. Negative thinking patterns and a negative inner voice can make it more difficult to deal with our health problems. That is where mind-body therapies come in to help. Mind-body therapies, such as, traditional Chinese medicine, are healing techniques that promote relaxation and encourage mindfulness. Mindfulness is simply living in the present. You are more intentional, more aware, and more awake to each moment. You are also more fully engaged in what is happening in your surroundings. People can have more acceptance and without judgment. Some helpful mind-body therapy techniques are: Acupuncture Art Therapy Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Group Therapy Guided Imagery Meditation Music Therapy Qigong Tai Chi Yoga Hypnotherapy Spiritual Practices I hope you all can start to incorporate some mind-body techniques into your daily practice. Love Always, VanessaClair

My main goal for 2024 is to enjoy life. School is finishing up and I will finally have time to do all the things I have been too tired or have not had time to do these past 2 years. I had a list of 30 things I wanted to do before my 30th birthday last year and only did about half of the things on that list. This year I am prioritizing joyous and fun moments. Take a look at my 2024 Find Joy Bingo Card. Part trying new hobbies and part getting out of my comfort zone. Will you be participating? Love Always, Vanessa

The winter solstice is the precise moment when the Sun appears farthest south in the sky and travels the shortest path. Celebrating the winter solstice means celebrating the return of the sun. The winter solstice marks the end of fall and the beginning of winter. Many celebrate by brewing and drinking mulled cider, switching off electricity and lighting and making lanterns, reciting winter solstice quotes or reading books, practicing yoga, and of course, setting intentions for the season ahead. Some good yoga poses for the winter solstice: Cat-Cow Butterfly Pose Low Lunge Downward Facing Dog Triangle Pose Chair Pose Some more rituals include cleansing and decluttering your home. Whatever you decide to do to celebrate be sure to reflect, release, and let go. Happy winter solstice! Love Always, VanessaClair

While I have reposted and posted things on my social media, I haven't written anything on this blog and that is a disservice. Many people do not know how to help the people in Gaza this post will let you know how to help very quickly and with little effort for those that don't want to do too much. It will take ALL of us to end this genocide and we ALL have a role to play. Some updates: More than 20k Palestinians have been killed 8,000 have been children 6,700 people, including 4,900 children, are still missing, and many are still under the rumble 52,586 have been wounded, including 8,663 children 97 journalists have been killed 310 healthcare workers have been killed 35 civil defense workers have been killed Ways to help: An email will be generated and sent to your reps for you. All you do is add in your info: https://www.amnesty.org/en/petition/demand-a-ceasefire-by-all-parties-to-end-civilian-suffering/ Raise Awareness: Keep posting, reposting, and highlighting Palestinian voices and what is going on Boycott: Let's spend our money with companies whose values align with ours. Pray for Palestine and all the children, women, and men who have been displaced. Let's all do our part to end this horrific humanitarian crisis and genocide. Love Always, VanessaClair

These last few months I've found myself listening to more podcasts centered around mental health professionals. It could be because graduation is around the corner. Or because I'm studying for my licensing exam. Or even the fact that I have a placement where I interact with clients. But here are some of the podcasts I've been loving and learning so much from lately. Let me know if you listen to any of these or if you have more suggestions for me. Am I A Bad Therapist?: The hosts invite therapists to tell relatable stories of times when they felt like a bad therapist. This podcast aims to normalize the gray area of clinical practice that is often unspoken. Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel: Real people have one session with Esther in search of insight into their current issues. Other People's Problems: Real people, real sessions, real therapy. Therapy Chat: LCSW-C host brings on guests to discuss holistic and alternative approaches in psychotherapy. Therapist Uncensored: Focuses on having discussions around attachment, relational neuroscience, and trauma. Partnered with a Survivor: Discusses how the system fails survivors and children, how survivors experience these systems, and how children are impacted by these failures. Attachment Theory in Action: Dedicated to therapists who work with clients from an attachment-based perspective. Experts from all over come on and discuss the field of attachment and trauma. Light up the Couch: Provides CE presentations and interviews that cover all relevant and current topics in the field of mental health. Agents of Change Podcast: An LCSW that helps prepare you for the licensing exam and has been doing this work for over 5 years. Journey to Licensure: An LCSW that provides coaching for the exam. Love Always, VanessaClair

Time for a New Moon. The last one of the year. This time it's in Sagittarius. For those of you who have no idea what that means, it's time to start a new chapter of your life. During a new moon, the moon joins with the Sun to form a symbolic rebirth. For my Scorpio self, I always love a rebirth. The New Moon represents the start of something big and new. A new beginning can be a bittersweet feeling so it's okay if you are feeling more emotional during this time. New Moon's are a good time to ground yourself in the present moment. Sagittarius is open-minded, adventurous, truth-seeking, and philosophical. This New Moon is encouraging us to rethink our perspectives and the beliefs that guide us. This is also a vital time to set financial goals and practice inviting abundance into your life. This will be an intensifying desire for expansion, growth, and exploration. The end of the year with this new moon is the perfect time to set goals, pursue your dreams, and seek out new growth opportunities. This new moon may also be calling you to take a look at the boundaries you have in place and asking you to make them stronger. Let's not forget, our beloved Mercury is one day away from retrograde which can be a scary time for some of us. It's best to take things one day at a time if we are feeling uneasy. Trust your gut and embody that Sagittarius energy. New Moon in Sagittarius Suggestions: Listen to a Guided meditation or meditate on your own Write in your journal Set clear intentions for the next six months Say affirmations that align with your intentions Cleanse your crystals Set up your altar Happy New Moon to all those who celebrate! Let's use this energy to our benefit :) Love Always, VanessaClair

A year ago today I moved to Houston all by my lonesome (okay my mom came and helped me) to start a new life and enter grad school. This past year has been something else. Filled up highs and lows. I don't think I've cried this much in a year span since my aunt passed. A bitch has been EMOTIONAL (and depressed), to say the least. On the other hand, I have also created such a beautiful life for myself out here. So much so that when I spent three weeks in NY I couldn't wait to come back to my home here. I started this new transition feeling extremely sad and lonely. Also questioning on a daily basis if I made the right move by coming here. I mean I did pick the hardest, farthest, and most isolating option for grad school. I would be a full-time student, work enough to pay rent and survive plus have to make time for practicum. I still don't know how I did it but I did. Not to mention, I went from seeing my friends, co-workers, and family with ease to weekly or monthly FaceTime calls and working from home. I underestimated how much that change would affect me. I have met some amazing people in school which I am forever thankful but I do miss my NY people so much. One of the hardest things for me was feeling immense grief. By the time I moved to Houston, it had been 8 years since I lost my aunt who meant everything to me. Being here away from family, away from the home that was part hers, that was filled with so many memories of her and my grandpa felt like pieces of me were missing. I've recently printed a photo to hang and just hanging that has helped in ways I didn't know it would. They always say time heals all wounds and I thought it was bullshit. Especially about this. But I did think that I had a handle on my grief. Sadly it reared its ugly head and caused numerous breakdowns and questions of whether or not she is proud of me and happy that I made this choice. Knowing her she would have been bragging about me. Probably would have come to help me move in too. Knowing this brings me peace. Having bits of her in my space also makes me feel so much less alone. I've been doing everything to put myself out there and form a community. I've joined two book clubs and a few other groups for Black women out here. I do what I can and make a conscious effort to check up on and speak to people I care about. I go out and explore even if I have to alone. This life I'm living here is honestly almost everything that I have envisioned and wanted for myself (still waiting for that ring on my finger lol). I have my own place and can go out and lounge by the pool, I'm getting my Master's degree (4.0 baby), in a place with no winter. I move my body daily and just get to be me authentically and without restriction. I have really had some great moments out here. I'll even be turning 30 here (I've been waiting for this). Despite still feeling lonely at times and missing my family I really am so happy with my decision and the life I have out here. I love the little space that I have been able to make all mine. And I cannot wait to see what this next year brings me. Maybe I'll finally get my license lol :) Here's to taking risks and getting out of your comfort zone 🍾🥂 Love Always, VanessaClair

For the first time in my life, I have a whole care team, which I am actually really proud of. I have a therapist who is doing EMDR with me, a psychiatrist that explains everything to me, and an amazing PCP & GYN who listens to me and my concerns and helps me. Hopefully, soon I will have a Pelvic Floor Therapist as well. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years now and although I am much better than I was before (at least in terms of my depression) I am actively working on my trauma. I always knew there would come a time when I needed to deal with it head-on instead of pushing it to the side and working on other aspects of life. Moving was the best thing for me because it pushed me so much out of my comfort zone that I had no choice but to deal with the things I do not talk about. So much of my anxiety and depression is because of the traumatic events that have happened in my life that I do not share with anyone. I try so hard to mask what I am feeling and being a survivor I don't deal with anything. It wasn't until this year in therapy that I really came to terms with the first trauma I experiences and acknowledged all the other traumatic events that I framed as "not that serious". I tried so long to be strong and being here made me realize I wasn't a survivor yet. I hadn't survived anything because I was still in the midst of it. I was still suffering and letting everything affect every single aspect of my life without even knowing it. I was constantly just trying to trick my brain into believing I was happy instead of actually doing the things that I need to in order to heal and be actually happy. Sometimes our behaviors get in the way of things we want and the happiness we deserve in life. And by not acknowledging and really dealing with my trauma I was in an endless cycle of self-destructive ways. I'm proud because now I can realize, name, and process all the things that have happened to me in a healthy way. I am able to do the actual work to move forward and past those events. I know that with my care team behind me and the tools they have given me, I can become a survivor and really heal from my trauma. Here's to facing our fears and trauma head-on but with an amazing support system of professionals. I hope we all can heal from the trauma that we don't speak about. And that we all can find professionals to help us do so. Love Always, VanessaClair

This one just might offend some people but it needs to be said. People pleasing and being an empath/ having empathy oftentimes confuse people. But there is a difference and it's important we all know what that is. By definition, empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. In other words, it is the capacity to place yourself in someone else's position. Being an empath additional means that closeness and intimacy can overwhelm you. Spending too much time with someone typically leads to stress, overwhelming feelings, or worries about losing yourself in relationships. However, when you try to express your need for time alone, you absorb your partner’s hurt feelings. Now a people pleaser is a person who feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or they will even alter their personality around others. People pleasers will also typically engage in self-destructive behaviors just so they can make others more comfortable. Empathy is our ability to experience the emotions of others, whereas people-pleasing is the desire to make other people happy, regardless of how it affects us. When thinking about the differences it is crucial to note that empathy deals more with feelings while people pleasing are your actions. People pleasing comes from a deep fear of rejection. The reason behind their actions or helping people out is not because of sympathy but because of a desperate urge to prevent conflict or abandonment. Another and most important thing to note is that being an empath, while relationships may be harder, can promote healthy interpersonal dynamics, people pleasing behavior can lead to transactional relationships and self-neglect.

Being an adult is no joke. We are all struggling to have a social life, employment, be active, doing our skin & body care, maintain family and romantic relationships, AND DO SELF-CARE. It's really a lot that we all have going on and sometimes a couple of those departments will diminish. And growing is learning that that's okay. Growing is accepting that you can't always do it all and if you mess up a week or two it is alright. The perfect thing is you always have tomorrow, next week, or next month to start over. I know for me one of the things I wanted to dedicate this year to was being kinder to myself even during times of failure or just not living up to my own expectations. I'm in school full-time getting my Master's, working part-time, and I also have practicum. Additionally, I moved to a new state so I'm trying to form connections out here, while also trying to maintain the connections I had with people back home, staying in touch with family, working out at least 4x a week, skincare daily (including exfoliation 2-3x a week), making my own meals so I could eat healthier, and oh yea trying to engage in things I actually enjoy like reading, art, music, and movies. THAT'S TOO MUCH. But I'm also the person that loves doing the most. I feel good when I have a lot on my plate (it helps with depression). And with that, I had to come to terms with the fact that not every week will I do every single thing. When this year started I had a daily to-do list so I could really stay on track for my healthy habits. Now that might sound like a smart idea but that list had 15 things on it. I had to get to a point where I told myself BFFR. These 15 things didn't even include my job, practicum, going to classes, or even doing assignments and readings for classes. It was just all the overall health and wellness things I wanted to incorporate into my life. While it sounded good at first, it was honestly just too unrealistic. Some things will fall through the cracks or you just might not get them all done that same day. I had to get to a point where I was no longer beating myself up mentally and emotionally over not getting all 15 things on this list done along with all the other responsibilities and life things I had. I'm at a point now where I take care of my health and wellness, do what I can for my social life, speak to family, work, and still do things I love. Now I just do it all without the pressure of a list. I know I need to take my vitamins every day and make more meals at home but if there's a day or two or three that I miss it. It's okay. I'm only human and it's just me. And I'm doing my best. I hope this inspires you to not be so hard on yourself and stop taking on so much (I know I'm a hypocrite). Be gentle with yourself. Do things at your own pace. You got this. Love Always, VanessaClair